Legal resident of Peru

Last Thursday was the day I became a legal resident in Peru. I now have to have permission to leave the country and have got my fingerprints, eyes scanned and all my teeth checked just in case I am an international criminal.

However, the day was not as simple as turning up, filling in a form and then going home (of course not - this is Peru). Why take five minutes over something when you can take allday?!?

So, I got there early. It is in the centre of Lima (see central Lima blog entry) and so the drive in was particularly interesting but we managed to weave in between the traffic and turn left from the right hand of 3 lanes enough times to make good time. So we entered (myself and Javier (( see the nightmare of Lima cargo city for more information on Javier)) and everything went well. The queue was remarkably short and just when I was about to be served, Mr slick back cut in front of me. Now, he seems to not understand the English method of queueing. You can wait for ages, you can moan as much as you want but never cut in front of somebody else (you may be asked to leave the Theme Park!). So Mr Slickback - named this due to his slick back hair and pin striped suit (see image at the top). I would have called him Mr tiny feet but I only saw his amazingly tiny feet after about 15 minutes). Really, they were the smallest feet on a regular sized man that you have ever seen.

So anyway, Mr slickback cuts to the front of the queue 9they can tell me that its called a line all they want, I will still call it a queue) and proceeds to get served. And then his rent a girlfriend also cuts to the front and she also gets served and then his man-servant cuts to the front of the queue and he also gets served. All the while, I am slowly simmering inside and I hope that he could understand English as I would hate to think my rude comments went unheard.

So finally after Mr Slickback and his entourage all get there fingerprints done I get to the front only to be told I am not a valid citizen as I am just a tourist. When i showed the man all my paper work, my visa, my contract etc all he does is point to the screen 'el computer Hable no".

When I ask why, in my best Spanish, he cannot just change the input on the screen to working status, he just walked away from his desk. When he came back he blanked me and asked the person behind for their documents.

This then kick started Javier. It did not kick start him to do anything it just meant he stood around looking angry a little bit more than he usually does. So I go to another desk and try to get my information changed. El computer says no. I am told again. Again I ask why, and the lady just gets up from her desk and walks away (this seems a Peruvian way of avoiding conflict with the strange English man who is shouting at them). So i am left with nowhere to go. I speak to Javier in our normal mix of pigeon spanish and hand gestures and he says he will do something.

3 hours later Javier comes back. He points for me to go around the back of the counters and into a back office (am I going to be deported or have some sort of cavity serach?). He puts his fingers to his lips and says "shhhhhh""say nothing". Say nothing, I think, how can I say anything with my lack of Spanish? So we go into an office, where Javier promptly leaves and I am left with 2 old women both talking none stop Spanish at me.

I shrug my shoulders and follow Javier's instructions. Then one woman grabs my bag and looks through. She finds my reading book and starts pointing. I try to understand what she wants and it turns out that she thinks I am an english teacher and she wants English books. I tell her that I am a professuer of geographie but this does not dissuade her. She wants me to get her some english books. I say that I do not teach english but she writes down her email address and says that she will email the details. I know that Javier has already bribed these people and now they want someting off me too.

After this she says that the 3 day wait that is normal to change details can now be done instantly. éverything is ok, she tells me. I am relieved but also know that in a few days I will be expected to get some sort of English book for this crazy lady. Oh well, what is the English department for if not to take books from?

After this point, Javier's 3 hours worth of bribing kicks in and suddenly I become slickback man. I am taken to the front of the queue, I push in fromt of the bank queue, I get my photo taken instantly and my ID card is ready in 15 minutes. Being Mr Slickback was not too bad an experince (I just need a man servant and a pin striped suit now).

So now I am a Peruvian resident. I have a house, a bank account, an ID card and pretty soon I will be learning to drive like a mad man and using my horn more than any human being should do.

Adios